A Father’s Love? Baloney!

There are some sentences that really grabbed my attention in life, like, “I love you, Daddy.” I heard those powerful words on a day when I couldn’t believe I was hearing them. Because they came from me..and I was 38 years old.

When I walked into room 421 of LaGuardia hospital, Queens, NY, the bed in the corner was empty. My father had been in it, but the bed was made and raised up high, it reminded me of a bier. That implies that I thought the worst and I did. But I was told my dad had been moved to room 414.

When I went to room 414 Dad was in the bed by the corner. The same bed placement in the same room my mom had been in when she died. Strange coincidence.

Below, my dad, a NYC Transit cop, 1943:

Dad 1943

When I spoke to the nurse about Dad she told me he “mooned” everybody out in the hall. Mike, also a retired NYC Transit cop in the next bed, confirmed this and told me how Dad had walked out into the hall naked. Dad was very weak but apparently he had some reserve strength to give an astronomy lesson to the 4th floor staff. I knew then how I got that propensity to for au naturale. See The Naked Patriot.

My Dad was a real man, a manly man. He had a strong appreciation for manliness. If I ever got into trouble he didn’t mind so much if it involved manly action, like a fist fight.

Dad and sunhouse we built

My dad built this sun house in our yard with “help” from me and my brothers. Dad also built the fence, the bench and ran electricity to that garage. And he mixed and poured the concrete patio beneath that sun house…all by hand…on his days off and vacation.

When I told my dad I was joining the Marines his feet levitated a good six inches off our living room floor. When I told him I was becoming a Transit cop the distance from floor to feet was a good foot and a half.

He loved me, my brothers and sisters and we knew it. But he was’t one to say, “I love you, son.” I don’t think he considered it necessary; he worked 60 hours a week much of his career and his days off consisted of fixing the sink, painting the garage or repairing our bikes.

Sometimes he’d show me how to do things like turning the nut on the axel of my bike, “left to open, right to tighten.” Or how to change the sash cords inside the frames of our double hung windows. Never did I reside in a home of my own with those kind of windows or with sash cords with which to put those valuable lessons to use. But I’ve since learned it was more than sash cord replacement that we shared.

Another vivid memory of my dad is a bike ride we took to Merkel’s meat store in Ozone Park, Queens. Those were the days of sawdust covered floors in meat stores, the kind where a kid could write his name in the saw dust with the toe of his shoe. They gave free samples, like a slice of boloney to kids. This day my dad bought half of a baloney. With Merkel’s cord, he strung the long tubular thing under the crossbar of his bike, torpedo style.

But on the ride home he surprised me when he pulled over ahead of me and said, “Let’s take a bite,” pointing to the butcher-wrapped pink torpedo. I was incredulous. But we both took a bite out of the end of that delicious meat of uncertain content.

Now, I don’t know how old I was at the time but I was at an age when yielding to such a delicious impulse such as this would have incurred a parental wrath of some kind. But it was his grand idea. And to me it was the finest lunch, the best baloney cuisine I’d ever have. It was an outrageous act of lunch-with-dad-al-fresco. Never again would a cold cut taste as good. Merkels

A Woodhaven Queens Merkel’s Photo

This is how my dad showed his love, much like his dad before him might have showed it. And his before him. But, “I love you, son.” was not his way of speaking, like many dad’s of the time I suspect. I think he considered it unmanly, maybe weak or even womanly to verbally express  what should be obvious. If he ever dared to say such a thing as I grew older i think I would have had to have a shooter and a beer to steady myself.

But his way of expressing himself, or not, affected me and the way I used the word,”love” with such economy in my younger years. Somehow though, I was able to break the shell of my reticence little by little. It began when he was dying. I leaned over to him in that hospital bed and said, “I love you, Daddy.”

My dad died in 1979 but I thought of that “I-love-you” day many times since. One of those times was on Fathers Day, June 20, 1982. We were on the patio of our backyard and I thought of my dad as our three girls played nearby.

They were early-teen and pre-teen beautiful young ladies. I wondered if  I told them enough that I loved them. I’m sure as they grew up most of the time it would have gone like, “I love you very much but I can’t let you write on the walls with crayons,” or whatever.

3 girls

My three girls when they were very young.

But this day I just wanted to blurt it out without any context. I said, ” It’s Fathers Day and I love you girls.” I did have to put it in some context after all. They came over and kissed me. I’ll always remember that day, they may not. But it had special meaning for me because of my dad and because if was evidence I was trying to grow…from his ways, and from mine.

Years later I had phoned my brother who lived in Florida. I told him about a newspaper article about someone he knew and I said I’d send it to him. I put it in an envelope with a short note telling him how I was looking forward to him visiting with us soon. I closed the note with, “Lee”.  Then I thought I should have closed it with, “Love, Lee.” But I felt awkward putting “Love” in the closing. 

While in the Marines, in letters to my mom or sisters it would be okay to end with “Love.” But my brother? Felt weird. Still in that note I felt I should have be saying it so I wrote, “Love, Lee”. Then I looked at it and regretted it and wrote a whole new damn note. Crazy, right? This time I omitted the “Love and just wrote, “Lee”. I put the envelope in the space between the door frame and the wainscoting for mailing Monday morning.

There it stayed where I saw it coming and going over the weekend, knowing I left, “Love.,” off the closing. Yup, Eventually I reopened the envelope, wrote, “Love” above, “Lee” and because the envelope was stamped I re-sealed it with LePage’s glue.

My brother called me later and said that when he comes up he’ll be bringing me some envelopes. He told me that when he opened the envelope he said to himself, “What is it with these envelopes?” He sounded confounded as he said, “You used a glue of some kind to seal the envelope and it got on the article and the whole thing stuck to the envelope.”

Arthur, formal Army photo

My brother Arthur, above, a Vietnam vet, died in 1994. I have another brother, Rod, a Vietnam era vet too, still with us. With him, I sometimes close emails with, “Love ya, bro.”

Below, my dad and brother, Rod.

Dad Teaching Rod

 I told my brother, Arthur, that I originally put the article in the envelope by itself but decided to add a note and reopened it to insert one. I never told him about my vacillation in the closing nor the reason for it. I never told anyone what really happened, except maybe to confide to about a thousand of my Brothers and Sisters on the Retired Transit Police site.

I guess the point of all this is to say my dad had his own way of speaking his love for me and he was very articulate in his way. He spoke by teaching me, as we stood side by side, the intricacies of sash cord replacement and the fine art of baloney transport.

This was his way to bond, this was his way to say, “I love you, son.” But for me I’ve learned it’s not so good to be too economical with words of love, words of caring.

Maybe it’s good to splurge once in a while with everyone you love. Even if it should be obvious. Yeah, words, they do matter. But then again, so do actions.

My love goes out to my three girls on this Father’s Day. 

Boloney bites w Lee





Categories: family, wildlife, World Trade

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5 replies »

  1. I’m sitting here on this wet and windy Nor’easter day reviewing some past posts and to my horror discovered these fantastic comments that I never replied to.

    I’m so sorry dear readers. Especially after reading how my words touched your hearts. Your words touched my own then as well but I never responded.

    Little did you or I know then that four years later you will have touched my heart once again on this weary winter day. You encourage me to continue but most importantly…you put a smile on my face.

    And I needed that.



  2. I do not love my father nor hate him as I should do.
    As when I was very young he use to cuff me all the way to the house and put me in a corner till my mom came home and after my mom found out what was happing she divorced him after that no contact or required child support. in fact he only called me a few time and that was only to find out my mothers phone number.


  3. You made me laugh, and reflect. My dad, too, was not big on saying the word love. I don’t actually EVER remember him telling me that he loved me. BUT, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel loved. Just like you so eloquently recounted, it was the things that he did with me and for me, that said it all. In the few years before he passed away, he would thank me, almost daily, for caring for him, and helping him. He used to say that I would be rewarded. I used to say…..yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. I was never sure what he meant….But, I do know that having such loving parents, has made me a better person. Perhaps, he knew that I would become strong ( in my own quiet way) and be able to take care of myself. Maybe that’s my reward. Or just maybe, there is more that awaits me. Time will tell.

    This was a beautiful gift to your daughters. I loved it, too!
    Happy Father’s Day!


  4. Lee ..this blog made me cry…..ya hit the nail on the head…my Dad’s 2 favorite sayings were….” my door is always open” & YES it was..the other one was ..”this too shall pass”…hence my plaque in my kitchen that Dennis made for me…I miss my dad SOOO much…he was my best friend…I could always tell him anything. all tho..some times it was more than he wanted to hear…he also was the GREATEST man!!! every one that meet him was lucky to have that pleasure…may he rest in peace!!! I really enjoyed this blog…THANK YA!!! & happy Father’s Day…please send my love to Cherly too…see ya soon


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