…please give 988 a try.

Michael Berube didn’t.

The morning birdsong and the sun streaming through our windows would make most of us smile.

At first, in the fog of sleepiness, Neila Berube might too.

But as the memory of her son’s death returned, the birdsong would dim, the sunshine would fade, along with her smile.

Michael, Neila’s son, took his own life two and a half years ago.

Neila said, “It’s the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.”

The boardwalk display of wellness banners is the product of Long Beach Middle and High School students. They reveal staff and students’ love and compassion.

Our City by the Sea approved the banner display for Health Awareness Month.

Can any school teach a more valuable lesson than caring for others?

I spoke with Neila when I wrote the essay Suicide, Pain and Power.

I spoke with her again recently about the Michael Berube Foundation. Her seventeen-year-old daughter, Leah, joined us.

Neila found power in the tragedy to start the Foundation; it helps young people with their mental health.

Seventeen-year-old Michael was a freshman home for the Thanksgiving break of 2023. He hung out with friends on Thanksgiving Eve, then, at home, spoke with his fifteen-year-old sister, Leah, until 2:00 am.

It wasn’t unusual for such a late visit to her room; all the siblings were very close.

After a normal chat, Leah said she was tired and that he should scoot.

Michael left for his bedroom, Leah said. But she realized they hadn’t said goodnight and “I love you.” That was the rule among the siblings.

Leah went to his room and said, “I love you, goodnight.” Michael said, “I love you too.”

Thanksgiving morning, Michael’s mom found him in the garage.

Life wasn’t easy on the Berubes.

Michael and his twin, Saige, were nine, and Leah seven, when they lost their dad to brain cancer. Despite that, Michael was a normal, happy teen.

He was a high school wrestler and a friendly, capable Long Beach lifeguard.

Neither his lifeguard supervisor nor any of his co-workers or friends saw anything amiss.

I asked Leah if friends of young people like herself ever share their troubled thoughts.

Leah said, “We girls have deep conversations.” But the boys don’t confide in each other. “They might go to a girl and confide in them.”

Neila said, “There’s a lot of social pressure for the boys to be tough and strong.”

I think Lea and Neila touch on some cultural views of what we consider strength in America that are detrimental to good mental health.

In the journal Sex Roles in Psychology Today, Anne Koenig and Alice Eagly found:

Stereotypes have real-time effects on performance. When women are told that a task is an “interpersonal sensitivity task” at which their gender usually excels, they outperform men. Frame the same task as involving “complex information processing,” and the gender gap evaporates.

The authors also state:

When we drop the idea that empathy is a “female trait,” we make room for everyone to grow, express care, and participate more fully in relationships, families, workplaces, and communities.

Yes, it’s admirable for both genders to be strong, to stand up for family, community, or country.

But real strength also means being capable of empathizing with others and willing to hear and share personal concerns. It makes us more fully human.

Neila said, “Michael did have very good friends; they talked, but clearly, he didn’t share everything with them.”

Things do get better with age. See: “Teen Challenges of Mental Health” by the NIH.

Neila works for the federal government and says, “I struggle with motivation; continuing to work every day is a challenge.

Her real dedication is to the Foundation.

She said, “It’s wonderful to be able to help people, but to be totally honest, it’s also a good distraction.”

Given the shortage of mental health professionals, the Foundation offers scholarships to Long Beach high school students pursuing careers in the field.

The foundation contributed to the Wellness room established by the highly rated Long Beach H.S. It provides students with a place to decompress during free periods.

Long Beach High School Board Member, Anne Conway, initiated the banner campaign that beautifully encourages our young to persevere.

The student body is also provided with psychological counseling; the Berubes are very grateful for the help they provided to the family.

Michael was a wrestler, so the Foundation funds a wrestling camp for kids who may be troubled or need summer activities.

The Foundation supports The Long Island Crisis Center, which works to prevent suicide. They hold a Let’s Walk Let’s Talk event in Long Beach every September.

Talking is effective

In recent years, the ten-digit hotline for suicide prevention was reduced to just three numbers: 988.

Since its inception, the rate of suicides among young people in the United States has dropped 11% percent below projections. And 18% in states that use the numbers most.

That shouts to us that talking helps.

Neila and Leah visited Michael’s Memorial Bench on Mother’s Day.

Neila said the bench, “provides a place to leave your phone behind and just go to clear your head and just feel connected.” 

Neila said the students created the banners on their own initiative. She appreciates the love and encouragement they offer.

The Berube garage was razed after Michael died; the family didn’t need that sorrow-filled place to stand.

But his room was preserved, just as he left it. Michael’s friends visited the Berube family after he died and hung out in his room.

Leah said she doesn’t often visit the bench, but often goes into his room to remember the good times. She even borrows clothes from his closet.

Leah said, “When we lived in a small house in Oceanside, we didn’t have electronic games, but we stayed up late in our rooms, playing games that we made up in our heads.” Leah loves those memories.

Later, as teens, they still shared each other’s company late at night.

Yes, they were close.

But in his last room chat with his sister, Leah, Michael never revealed what was troubling him.

Nor did he with anyone else.

We will never know what pain Michael carried to leave this world as he did. We do know this: in a world of much cruelty and suffering, his instinct was to add a little more kindness to it.

Neila said Michael was well known for giving.

She said that he would stop by his close friends’ homes when they weren’t there, simply to say hello to their parents.

Small gestures. Quiet acts of humanity, that’s what Michael was about. Acts that reveal who a person truly is.

Maybe we should not think of Michael Berube by his final moment, but by the grace he offered while trekking this difficult path with us.

It was a message of kindness.

And through the Berube Foundation, his message continues.

If you feel moved to do so, you may support the Foundation.

And please remember:

If you’re thinking of saying goodbye…

…please, give 988 a try.

Be well,

Leebythesea