Neila Berube is a strong woman. But even the strongest can be tested beyond their limit. She was so tested. But she endured, she pushed on. She said, “There are no choices.”

On the Thanksgiving morning of 2023, Neila went to her garage in Long Beach to retrieve tables and chairs for the expected company. But there she found her son had taken his own life.

Any woman would be forgiven if she collapsed or ran screaming from that garage. But Neila tried to rescue him. Yes, Neila is a strong woman.

But maybe if we feel what Neila felt, we might be more willing to help her help others. She aims to draw more attention to the importance of prioritizing mental health. 49,000 Americans die by suicide each year. American mental health care is in crisis today, especially for our young. We lose about twice as many of our young to suicide as we lost on 9/11. But we lose them every year. That’s 16 suicides between the ages of 15 and 24—per day.

• “Youth and young adults (ages 10-24) account for 15% of all suicides, an increase of 52% since 2000. It is the second leading cause of death for this age group” Center for Disease Control, (CDC)
• Each day in our nation, there are an average of over 5,400 attempted suicides by young people in grades 7-12.

Neila lost her husband, Michael, to brain cancer when her son Michael was nine. She went back to work full-time and then, as a newly single mom, raised Michael, his twin sister, Saige, and fifteen-year-old Leah. 

Neila knew she had to push on, “move forward,” as she put it. She said, “Well, there are no choices.”

Those words evince strength; they reveal no consideration of finding solace in alcohol, drugs, or just staying in bed. 

At Neila’s request—within a week of Michael’s death— Johanna Sofield and The Long Beach Christmas Angel razed the Berube garage. 

But they couldn’t raze the memory. Neila hopes to raise awareness.

She, like many others I’ve met in our little City by the Sea, such as Gregg LaPenna, turns pain into power. It’s perhaps an alchemy of turning horror into help. 

Neila is so strong and resilient that to make her May 31st Michael Berube Foundation Color Run a success, she agreed to meet with me for this essay interview. 

We met on Michael’s Long Beach memorial bench. But too soon, it began to rain so we headed indoors.

Michael Berube came home from his first year at SUNY Cortlandt for Thanksgiving, 2023. On Wednesday night, or Big Wednesday, among the college crowd, Michael was with friends, enjoying a night of shooting pool at the home of one of them.

Michael got home at about 12:30 a.m. His sister, Leah, was awake, so he last spoke with her around 2:00 a.m.; it was a normal conversation. But sometime later, he went into the garage.

Michael’s mom noticed he wasn’t in his room the next morning, but he often went for a run. She wasn’t concerned when she headed for the garage.

Only those who have discovered loved ones after such an unfathomable act can know the heart-sinking horror. 

Neila said, “For a half second, I thought it was a prank.” But it was only for that split second.

To this day, Neila is at a loss to know why this happened.

She said, “There was no note, no warning beforehand.” She said, “Was he struggling, and I didn’t know it? Maybe. Was it an impulsive, momentary, terrible choice? Maybe. I just can’t know.” 

After her husband died, Neila returned to work full-time. But she works for the federal government, so in these chaotic times—there’s that.

With the help of her friend, Bernee Parker, and Ann Conway, Neila established the Michael Berube Foundation. It’s a Color Run on the beach from Riverside Blvd to Lincoln Ave. The foundation both honors Michael and raises awareness about mental health.

In Long Beach, we often host Squat Challenges, Marathon/Bike-A-Thons, Michelle O’Neil Tournaments, Make A Wish Polar Bear Splashes, to raise funds. Yes, we need to support and participate in them. It all helps. 

But these basic needs of human beings should be covered by all of us through our government. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Health, reports that Congressional proposals are in place to cut Medicaid, which will affect 8.6 million people from getting needed mental health care. Shouldn’t we expect the government to be responsible for keeping us safe and healthy, both physically and mentally? Are we not all one—United?

Six thousand of our young die by suicide per year. Those are wartime numbers, and we demonstrate in the streets over losses like that.

Mental health is the common denominator to a large part of our challenges today, including crime and addiction. Yes, we lose our young to those too.

In New York State, about 43% of prisoners have mental health histories.

Some of us with mental health issues self-medicate to relieve symptoms, such as PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.That only makes matters worse. Please seek meaningful help.

Stigma deters many of us from seeking help. But mental health issues are not your fault; you did nothing wrong. Seek help if you have suicidal thoughts—don’t let stigma stifle you. Call 988 if you feel you need help.

Neurobiology reveals that our frontal cortex, the part of the brain that subdues impulses, doesn’t fully develop until around age twenty-five.

We will never know why Michael took his own life. He showed no signs that one might expect. If he had a problem he couldn’t deal with, he seems to have kept it to himself. What are we, who have great kids, to do? How can we deal with hidden threats? 

Maybe, if our kids are fantastic, doing well in school, with friends, with life, we might tell them, “If you have a problem, I’m here for you. But if you don’t want to share it, even with me, please see someone in private, a counselor, a therapist, but please speak with someone. I’ll pay for it. I’ll love you even more for your wisdom, your care for yourself, and for me.”

Yes, Michael Berube was a fantastic teen, A young man we’d all be proud to call our son.

Michael seemed to be looking forward to life. Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Michael filled out an application for the Nassau County Police Department. His mom recalled him at the kitchen’s center island, choosing the location to take the test. What overwhelming impulse would overtake him that night, just hours after that kitchen moment, we will never know.

Michael was an athlete, a member of the Long Beach High School wrestling team. He was a rookie lifeguard that year. His boss at the Central Crew said he was just a regular guy who got along well with others. 

The Long Beach Lifeguard Central Crew is the busiest throughout the summer, making numerous saves, and Michael performed very well. His boss told me that he and all his lifeguards were blindsided. Nobody saw or heard anything that would indicate this. At Michael’s wake, his boss hung a lifeguard’s whistle on Michael’s portrait.

Neila Berube said Michael “had no history of depression or mental health issues, no red flags, no causes for concern. He was very athletic and good-looking. He had friends, and he was super sweet. He was the kid who was always checking on people. When he came home from college, he would make the rounds and visit his friends’ moms, friends he was close with. Even if the friend wasn’t there, just to say Hi.” She said, “He was just that kind of kid; he was a giver.”

Neila said, “Several people would come to me and say, ‘I didn’t have a lot of friends, but Michael was always really nice to me.'”

Many of us had sons and daughters in school who didn’t have many friends. Some had only one friend, others—none. We valued those who were really nice to them. Our kids needed Michaels in their lives.

America needs more Michaels. Humankind needs more Michael Berubes. And we need to be there for the Michaels. We need to give more—to the givers.

Be well,

Leebythesea

Please visit my alternate blog:Wherethesundontshine.